Life of P.

Let me tell you something about Jacob Black. We were best friends in high school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then after junior year, I started going out with my first boyfriend Edward who was totally gorgeous but then he abandoned me, and Jacob was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Edward, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-vampire party, I was like, “Jacob, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re werewolf.” I mean I couldn’t have a werewolf at my party. There were gonna be vampires there in their evening wear. I mean, right? He was a WEREWOLF. So then his dad called my dad and started yelling at him, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of his pack because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for the big war, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he imprints on babies.